Back to Montreal - Back to Square One?

After a rocky holiday period, I flew back to Montreal on the first of January.

When I lived in Seattle, I often dreamed of being back in Montreal to be in a vibrant place once again. Then, when I started living in Vancouver, I was still homesick until I came back for a week. After that, I'd just miss the hot summer days and the multitude of cultural happenings once in a while.

It's ironic that I had to leave Vancouver just when it was starting to feel home. Now, being in Montreal doesn't feel home.

I don't like the cold winter of my native city. At least, in Vancouver, you can go out anytime of the year without too much discomfort. Also, I prefer the demographics in Vancouver: more women then men (the dating market is in my favor) and Asian investors, skilled workers or business owners as immigrants rather than people from Africa or the Middle East who got accepted as permanent residents only because they speak French.

Moreover, although I am a French-speaking Quebecker, I don't feel as much solidarity or unifying factors with my own people as with the other migrants to Vancouver or even most English-speaking Canadians.

Before leaving Montreal, I felt there was nothing holding me back here and that it was my destiny to find my true home out there. It's as if all of my existence, up to that point, I had been gaining momentum to take the jump out of there. Then, at the last minute, I met a woman who changed my life and I wanted to stay in Montreal to be with her. That's the only true period of my life when Montreal felt home; not because of the city but because of her. I lost my momentum but jumped nonetheless.

I then found myself in a city and a job that failed to make me happy. When the woman from Montreal I loved moved to Vancouver, it seemed I had a second chance to both be with her and live outside of Montreal, so I moved there. But, I failed to keep her love and had to move in an apartment of my own and got disappointed again by my new job. All this got me down and made me want to leave Vancouver not because of Vancouver, but because I needed to put all this behind me.

Now, here I am again in Montreal. I still don't feel there is anything for me here. I'm just here because it's the easiest place for me to wait out the confusion and to gain enough information and energy to try my luck elsewhere again or for opportunity to knock on my door.

Also, I can't help but feel some bitterness with regards to how the events unfolded in my life since all these changes started. Many times, I had happiness within reach, but I failed to see it as such or to grab onto it before it was too late. Hopefully, the experience I gained has given me enough wisdom to avoid these mistakes in the future.